“It has come to our attention, through numerous complaints received in our office, that an unauthorized use of our confidential mailing list was used last weekend to solicit our chapters to attend a commercial event scheduled for the same weekend in July and in close proximity to our national conference. The communication was from a medium.”

It is my personal belief that there will be an especially hot place in hell for people who take advantage of those who are at their most vulnerable, whether physically or emotionally. Most of us who have walked the path of grief have wished that we had “one more” opportunity to speak to our loved ones. We may have spoken of our love and expressed our thanksgiving that they were a part of our lives, but in our grief of separation we may wish we just had “one more” moment in time with them.

[Let me say at this point that none of us know for sure what someone who has died can and cannot do. We may have our own belief system that gives us possibilities but there is no empirical data  that defines the status of our deceased loved one.]

So write them a letter. Light a candle. Just sit down and speak what you want to say. The one who has died is no longer constrained by the dimensions of this world. They no longer are limited as I am. I need no “medium” to intervene and connect me (for the sale price of $50-$100!).  I can talk any time, any where.

When we are most vulnerable, let us also be wise. Before allowing someone to lead us off the path of healing and wholeness, let us trust a known friend who has been with us. If what you are about to do involves money and is something you think you have to hide from family and friends, then it isn’t good and it isn’t where you want to go. Grief, like any other process of healing, does not involve a “quick fix” but instead – it takes – as long as it takes.

Too often in life we do not “cut ourselves some slack” in the same way that we do others around us. Grief is the hardest work we may ever do. It takes a tremendous amount of physical and emotional energy every day to cope with “normal” and when added stress comes, we often “lose it”. That’s when we need friends and family who will allow us to have a “do-over” and begin again with that day or that moment.

Allow yourself a “do-over” today. Believe me when I say that the day will come when someone in your life will need that same gift of grace and you can suggest that they take a “do-over”. It’s just another way to say “I Love You”.

For those who are surfing the web today looking desperately for something to help you step up out of this pit that seems to be sucking you down — I have no magic pill or deep prose that will shine its light. I can only tell you that there are days ahead that will be better. I know this from my own experience. I know this from the experience of the many who walked before me and reassured me that I would find better days.

Dig in today with those TV specials, friends who have invited you to lunch or dinner, the music, or maybe just go down to your local shelter and dish up potatoes for someone who is homeless. Choose to move your focus to someone or something else for just some time today. It would truly be “OK” to “think about it tomorrow” (move over, Scarlett O’Hara!).

I will be praying for you today. (“But you don’t know my name!”) No, I don’t but God, to whom I pray to, He does.  I know that someone was praying for me on those Christmas Days when I could not pray for myself. So I am going to “play that forward” and pray for you today.

Try to identify what will HELP you through this holiday. Thanksgiving and Christmas are usually filled with traditions. Traditional activities give us a sense of family and comfort – usually. What are the “traditions” that you have “always” done? As the list forms, do you begin to feel tired and overwhelmed? That is a key sign that you do not need to do all those activities – this year. If you are the one who usually has the family over for Christmas Eve dinner, allow someone else to do it this year. You may need to have the option to go to the dinner but leave early if you need to do so. If you usually drive 8-10 hours or fly to “Mom’s house”, maybe this year is a good opportunity to start a new tradition in your own home. I suspect “Mom” or whoever will understand. (And if they don’t, they aren’t the priority this year.)
My son died in September. The holidays that year were very difficult. I wanted to just stay home and cancel any celebrations! It was a very quiet holiday and that was helpful to me. I did make myself go to Christmas Eve service and I am glad that I did. I took extra tissues and sat toward the back of the church. I don’t apologize or feel embarrassed by the tears that I shed that night. As I listened to the message, I began to identify that Jesus’ mother, Mary, probably shed more than a few tears herself.

Communicate to your family what will help and what will not. I think this is hard. I want people who love me to be able to read my mind. The truth is – they are all busy with their own lives and their own troubles and they don’t read minds! I am a better writer than spokesperson so I wrote emails and cards to those who needed to know why I wasn’t coming to events. I told them I was going to take care of myself this holiday and do things that helped me. I hoped to re-engage in some events again the next year. I received several notes back of understanding and also a couple of “thank you’s” that I made good sense that they were going to follow for themselves.

Take time to allow the pain to surface. I think this may be the primary reason most of us do not slow down during the holidays when we are grieving the loss of someone we love or a job loss or whatever loss. If we keep ourselves busy, we do not have to feel. The wound has a thin layer of healing over it and the pain is still very fresh and sharp. The thought of allowing another wave of pain to surface and roll over that wound seems – crazy! But hear me well from both my personal journey and my observation of 30+ years as a healthcare professional, if I do not allow the pain of grief to surface, it will eat me alive like a caustic acid in my physical body and in my spirit.

I hope you have someone that you can share this time of grief. Certainly if you are married, you share your feelings and offer comfort to each other. Sometimes it is a great help to have a friend who has some “distance” from this pain who can listen and is not living in this valley with you. I hope you also have a friend like I do, Jesus Christ. He will allow me to talk as much as I need and doesn’t mind if I revisit things that we have discussed before. He is okay if I cry and His words are perfect in comfort and healing.

I will send a free copy of my book, Grief: Finding the Candle of Light, to the first three people who leave comments on this blogpost. I hope you begin 2012 carry less weight in your “grief bag”.

If you are reading this and you feel almost too sad to read, keep going. This isn’t a long post and I do not speak complicated. I believe in getting to the point. I have 3.

Give yourself ONE do-able task per day. The emphasis here is on give and do-able. It is a gift you are giving yourself that will take a step in your healing. It may be getting up.  It may be taking a shower and putting on clothes. (Note: If you go to the grocery store, take a list!)

Your emotions may be all over the spectrum. Tears, laughter, numb, confused, and angry were emotions that took me on a daily roller coaster ride for a while. It seemed like a long time. It can make for a difficult time in a family as everyone is dealing with their different emotions.
If you’ve never journaled before, give it a try. It does help to sift emotions.
That good friends who wants to help? Tell them you need someone to just listen.
Don’t dismiss the idea of counseling. If your work place offers Employee Assistance Program (EAP), use it.

God is BIG enough. I had times when I was so angry with God for allowing my son to die. I asked “why?” many, many times. The Creator of the universe, the One who has always been and always will be is big enough to handle my anger. I am still alive and closer in my relationship to God than I ever have been. God and I still wrestle about the “why” but I am content about His answer for me – today.

Don’t give up.
Pat yourself on the back for every small step forward.
Allow yourself to have a day when you step back or just stand still.
It’s OK, and even good, to be alone but do not make it your “norm” no matter how hard it is to stay connected.
Hang with people who make you feel better when they leave – not wore out!

Let me know how you are doing.

*My 17-year-old son, James, died in 2004 after a five-year battle with cancer. He died less than a week after Hurricane Ivan tore through our town.

Good Grief by Granger Westburg (ISBN#978-0800697839) This is a classic! It has been read for decades by all walks of people because it is so practical and to the point. It is a compass in a confusing time, pointing the reader to hope and a new future. 96 pages.

Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert and Chuck DeKlyen, Taylor Billis illustrator (ISBN#978-0961519766) An excellent book for families that at first glance might seem to be for children. Adults will identify with the main character, however, learning how to take their salty, bitter grief experience to a savory journey that can nourish you to a new place. 56 pages.

Grief: Finding the Candle of Light by Jody Neufeld (ISBN#978-1893729506) You might think that I am promoting myself (and I am!) but if you are a Christian and are struggling with questions as you are traveling through grief, this is the book for you. While simple and to the point, hard questions like “Why?” and “How do I go on?” are not avoided. 72 pages.

Invest in yourself because grief is a “pay me now – pay me later” situation. You can either pay attention now and take time to work through your grief, or pay the cost later in physical and emotional health issues because you attempted to keep the door locked on your emotions.

My initial gut reaction to my friend’s query was “No”. I knew it would involve time and commitment. I was also seven years along in my grief journey and I knew from experience that in supporting others I would be revisiting some places I had already passed. Did I have the time and emotional energy to do this? I would not say “Yes” unless I could go into it with the commitment to do my best.

Six months later I can say to anyone who is reading this who has been affected by the death of a child, this is a positive, productive way to move along as you grieve. The death of a child is a type of grief that is not easily understood by friends. It is a very uncomfortable grief because to even think it might happen to you is a nightmare. I found many of my friends that while they were caring, they really did not want to talk about what I was going through. And I needed to talk.

If you are the parent or grandparent of a child who has died, whether from disease, an accident, or suicide, this could be a place where you find some healing. The meetings generally have two parts. There is sharing but during my first meeting when I didn’t really want to talk, no one made me feel like I “should”. I appreciated that. Yes, more women than men come to meetings but, again, there is a good open feeling for people to learn through dialogue or just take in and process what is relevant for you. There will be parents of children who died pre-birth to grown. The meeting I just attended had a new attendee who was probably in her late sixties and was attending because she had lost four brothers in about as many years. We had a guest speaker that night speaking about “Sibling Grief”.

At the beginning of each meeting, a mission statement is recited and its a great reminder that what is said in the meeting – stays in the meeting. There may be tears, laughter, shaking of heads indicating understanding and even some of the ridiculous statements we have all been told by those who try but can’t understand what they haven’t experienced. We often remind each other – “You Need Not Walk Alone”.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered King Nebuchadnezzar, “Your threat means nothing to us. If you throw us in the fire, the God we serve can rescue us from your roaring furnace and anything else you might cook up, O king. But even if he doesn’t, it wouldn’t make a bit of difference, O king. We still wouldn’t serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up.”     Daniel 3:17-18

Chihuahuas are not my favorite breed of dogs. They are ankle-biting, incessantly yipping, little dogs. They think and act like they are Rottweilers, in their own minds. I have seen them keep policemen, mail carriers, and large breed dogs cowering behind fences. They do have sharp teeth so they aren’t all show! “Intimidation” is their game and middle name.

Cancer has the same effect on us. When the word “cancer” follows “diagnosis”, everything else seems to recede into the background and cancer becomes a giant. It’s not really a giant but it sounds like one because “fear” is its bark. Every story we have ever heard – every statistic – becomes a mantra in our heads. But here’s the truth: each one of us is given a race to run (1 Corinthians 9:24-27, Hebrews 12:1-3). No two people are given the same race. No two cancers are the same or will respond the same. There’s a reason that medicine is an art, not a science!

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego thought they had been given a race to run in exile that demanded leadership in the midst of their enemies. They could see how they were to conduct themselves as aliens in this land and remain true to Yahweh. Then it got to the real race. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had to stay in the race despite what appeared to be a foregone conclusion.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego understood God. He could save them. He was bigger than any king (or giant) they may face. But saving them might not be God’s plan. Oh, my friends, that is so hard to accept! Remember Indiana Jones and the step of faith we looked at yesterday? Am I willing to take the step of Faith where God tells me? Or am I going to stand there and argue that the step is in the wrong place so He couldn’t really want me to take the step!

Will I worship God from the middle of the fiery furnace? If my race is more about who I run with or encourage along the way, will I see the victory even in death? Or will I think healing is the only God-option?

My friends, I want you to know that our bodies of flesh and blood will decay. This means that they cannot share in God’s kingdom, which lasts forever. I will explain a mystery to you. Not every one of us will die, but we will all be changed. It will happen suddenly, quicker than the blink of an eye. At the sound of the last trumpet the dead will be raised. We will all be changed, so that we will never die again. Our dead and decaying bodies will be changed into bodies that won’t die or decay. The bodies we now have are weak and can die. But they will be changed into bodies that are eternal. Then the Scriptures will come true,

“Death has lost the battle! Where is its victory? Where is its sting?”

Sin is what gives death its sting, and the Law is the power behind sin. But thank God for letting our Lord Jesus Christ give us the victory!

My dear friends, stand firm and don’t be shaken. Always keep busy working for the Lord. You know that everything you do for him is worthwhile.     1 Corinthians 15:50-58 (CEV)

If cancer has raised itself to yip and bite in your family, point your finger at it and tell it to “Shut up!” and go back to hell where it belongs! No matter what tomorrow brings, we will worship and serve only Yahweh!

I believe this is the best “grief movie” I have ever seen. Hilary Swank’s character, Holly, goes through and back again, all the stages or emotions of grief. She is throwing-things angry; pulling-the-sheets-and-closing-myself-off depressed, and I-don’t-EVEN-understand confusion until she gets to the place where she can move on with her life.

To me the movie avoids the platitudes that plague most movies involving the death of a loved one. It does a realistic job of portraying the hard work that grief is and encourages the viewer that it is possible to come through the storm of grief. It also shows that in coming through you will not return to “normal” but will, instead, find a “new normal” in which to live your life.

My only criticism of the movie is that Gerry (actor, Gerald Butler) planned a rather elaborate “gift” designed to help Holly move through her grief. Most terminally-ill people do not have the opportunity and strength to plan such a complicated gift. In my experience with hospice and in my own grief walk, it is in brief, passing conversations that will come back along the journey, that the “gifts” will be found that bring you along into your new normal life.

I encourage you to take the time to read an article that I received through my email this week from Max Lucado’s ministry.  I do not recommend articles lightly, especially those who attempt to explain to me about God and death.  Too often they are filled with platitudes that do not hold up when I turn to the Bible or how God has acted in my own life.  This article holds up for me.  I hope it will hold you up also.

When Death Becomes Birth by Max Lucado (from Come Thirsty, Thomas Nelson, 2004)