The stores are announcing their sales and the countdown begins. If this is the first holiday season that you must navigate since your loved one has died it can be overwhelming. How do you get through the holidays?

Try to identify what will HELP you through this holiday. Thanksgiving and Christmas are usually filled with traditions. Traditional activities give us a sense of family and comfort – usually. What are the “traditions” that you have “always” done? As the list forms, do you begin to feel tired and overwhelmed? That is a key sign that you do not need to do all those activities – this year. If you are the one who usually has the family over for Christmas Eve dinner, allow someone else to do it this year. You may need to have the option to go to the dinner but leave early if you need to do so. If you usually drive 8-10 hours or fly to “Mom’s house”, maybe this year is a good opportunity to start a new tradition in your own home. I suspect “Mom” or whoever will understand. (And if they don’t, they aren’t the priority this year.)
My son died in September. The holidays that year were very difficult. I wanted to just stay home and cancel any celebrations! It was a very quiet holiday and that was helpful to me. I did make myself go to Christmas Eve service and I am glad that I did. I took extra tissues and sat toward the back of the church. I don’t apologize or feel embarrassed by the tears that I shed that night. As I listened to the message, I began to identify that Jesus’ mother, Mary, probably shed more than a few tears herself.

Communicate to your family what will help and what will not. I think this is hard. I want people who love me to be able to read my mind. The truth is – they are all busy with their own lives and their own troubles and they don’t read minds! I am a better writer than spokesperson so I wrote emails and cards to those who needed to know why I wasn’t coming to events. I told them I was going to take care of myself this holiday and do things that helped me. I hoped to re-engage in some events again the next year. I received several notes back of understanding and also a couple of “thank you’s” that I made good sense that they were going to follow for themselves.

Take time to allow the pain to surface. I think this may be the primary reason most of us do not slow down during the holidays when we are grieving the loss of someone we love or a job loss or whatever loss. If we keep ourselves busy, we do not have to feel. The wound has a thin layer of healing over it and the pain is still very fresh and sharp. The thought of allowing another wave of pain to surface and roll over that wound seems – crazy! But hear me well from both my personal journey and my observation of 30+ years as a healthcare professional, if I do not allow the pain of grief to surface, it will eat me alive like a caustic acid in my physical body and in my spirit.

I hope you have someone that you can share this time of grief. Certainly if you are married, you share your feelings and offer comfort to each other. Sometimes it is a great help to have a friend who has some “distance” from this pain who can listen and is not living in this valley with you. I hope you also have a friend like I do, Jesus Christ. He will allow me to talk as much as I need and doesn’t mind if I revisit things that we have discussed before. He is okay if I cry and His words are perfect in comfort and healing.

I will send a free copy of my book, Grief: Finding the Candle of Light, to the first three people who leave comments on this blogpost. I hope you begin 2012 carry less weight in your “grief bag”.

Gym time, daily jog, walks in the park, evening cup of tea with a good book, fresh fruits and vegetables, a long weekend in a quiet cabin…we wisely invest in many ways to promote physical and spiritual health. I have a suggestion for three brief, practical books if you are going through a time of loss. All three are available at Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble for about $30 (including FREE shipping on both sites!).

 

Good Grief by Granger Westburg (ISBN#978-0800697839) This is a classic! It has been read for decades by all walks of people because it is so practical and to the point. It is a compass in a confusing time, pointing the reader to hope and a new future. 96 pages.

 

 

 

 

 

Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert and Chuck DeKlyen, Taylor Billis illustrator (ISBN#978-0961519766) An excellent book for families that at first glance might seem to be for children. Adults will identify with the main character, however, learning how to take their salty, bitter grief experience to a savory journey that can nourish you to a new place. 56 pages.

 

 

 

 

Grief: Finding the Candle of Light by Jody Neufeld (ISBN#978-1893729506) You might think that I am promoting myself (and I am!) but if you are a Christian and are struggling with questions as you are traveling through grief, this is the book for you. While simple and to the point, hard questions like “Why?” and “How do I go on?” are not avoided. 72 pages.

 

 

 

 

Invest in yourself because grief is a “pay me now – pay me later” situation. You can either pay attention now and take time to work through your grief, or pay the cost later in physical and emotional health issues because you attempted to keep the door locked on your emotions.

Last year, a friend asked me to become involved in the start-up of a new local chapter of The Compassionate Friends. This is a “grass roots” support group for parents and grandparents who have suffered the loss of a child. The national organization reports there are 625 chapters located in all 50 states.

 

My initial gut reaction to my friend’s query was “No”. I knew it would involve time and commitment. I was also seven years along in my grief journey and I knew from experience that in supporting others I would be revisiting some places I had already passed. Did I have the time and emotional energy to do this? I would not say “Yes” unless I could go into it with the commitment to do my best.

 

Six months later I can say to anyone who is reading this who has been affected by the death of a child, this is a positive, productive way to move along as you grieve. The death of a child is a type of grief that is not easily understood by friends. It is a very uncomfortable grief because to even think it might happen to you is a nightmare. I found many of my friends that while they were caring, they really did not want to talk about what I was going through. And I needed to talk.

 

If you are the parent or grandparent of a child who has died, whether from disease, an accident, or suicide, this could be a place where you find some healing. The meetings generally have two parts. There is sharing but during my first meeting when I didn’t really want to talk, no one made me feel like I “should”. I appreciated that. Yes, more women than men come to meetings but, again, there is a good open feeling for people to learn through dialogue or just take in and process what is relevant for you. There will be parents of children who died pre-birth to grown. The meeting I just attended had a new attendee who was probably in her late sixties and was attending because she had lost four brothers in about as many years. We had a guest speaker that night speaking about “Sibling Grief”.

 

At the beginning of each meeting, a mission statement is recited and its a great reminder that what is said in the meeting – stays in the meeting. There may be tears, laughter, shaking of heads indicating understanding and even some of the ridiculous statements we have all been told by those who try but can’t understand what they haven’t experienced. We often remind each other – “You Need Not Walk Alone”.