As I write this it is Christmas Eve. I am blessed this year to be with my daughter and her family. I have spoke to my oldest son and I know he and his wife will call me tomorrow. And yet I still feel the “hole” in my life that was once filled with my young son. He is celebrating Christmas in heaven. I bet that is something to behold!

For those who are surfing the web today looking desperately for something to help you step up out of this pit that seems to be sucking you down — I have no magic pill or deep prose that will shine its light. I can only tell you that there are days ahead that will be better. I know this from my own experience. I know this from the experience of the many who walked before me and reassured me that I would find better days.

Dig in today with those TV specials, friends who have invited you to lunch or dinner, the music, or maybe just go down to your local shelter and dish up potatoes for someone who is homeless. Choose to move your focus to someone or something else for just some time today. It would truly be “OK” to “think about it tomorrow” (move over, Scarlett O’Hara!).

I will be praying for you today. (“But you don’t know my name!”) No, I don’t but God, to whom I pray to, He does.  I know that someone was praying for me on those Christmas Days when I could not pray for myself. So I am going to “play that forward” and pray for you today.

The stores are announcing their sales and the countdown begins. If this is the first holiday season that you must navigate since your loved one has died it can be overwhelming. How do you get through the holidays?

Try to identify what will HELP you through this holiday. Thanksgiving and Christmas are usually filled with traditions. Traditional activities give us a sense of family and comfort – usually. What are the “traditions” that you have “always” done? As the list forms, do you begin to feel tired and overwhelmed? That is a key sign that you do not need to do all those activities – this year. If you are the one who usually has the family over for Christmas Eve dinner, allow someone else to do it this year. You may need to have the option to go to the dinner but leave early if you need to do so. If you usually drive 8-10 hours or fly to “Mom’s house”, maybe this year is a good opportunity to start a new tradition in your own home. I suspect “Mom” or whoever will understand. (And if they don’t, they aren’t the priority this year.)
My son died in September. The holidays that year were very difficult. I wanted to just stay home and cancel any celebrations! It was a very quiet holiday and that was helpful to me. I did make myself go to Christmas Eve service and I am glad that I did. I took extra tissues and sat toward the back of the church. I don’t apologize or feel embarrassed by the tears that I shed that night. As I listened to the message, I began to identify that Jesus’ mother, Mary, probably shed more than a few tears herself.

Communicate to your family what will help and what will not. I think this is hard. I want people who love me to be able to read my mind. The truth is – they are all busy with their own lives and their own troubles and they don’t read minds! I am a better writer than spokesperson so I wrote emails and cards to those who needed to know why I wasn’t coming to events. I told them I was going to take care of myself this holiday and do things that helped me. I hoped to re-engage in some events again the next year. I received several notes back of understanding and also a couple of “thank you’s” that I made good sense that they were going to follow for themselves.

Take time to allow the pain to surface. I think this may be the primary reason most of us do not slow down during the holidays when we are grieving the loss of someone we love or a job loss or whatever loss. If we keep ourselves busy, we do not have to feel. The wound has a thin layer of healing over it and the pain is still very fresh and sharp. The thought of allowing another wave of pain to surface and roll over that wound seems – crazy! But hear me well from both my personal journey and my observation of 30+ years as a healthcare professional, if I do not allow the pain of grief to surface, it will eat me alive like a caustic acid in my physical body and in my spirit.

I hope you have someone that you can share this time of grief. Certainly if you are married, you share your feelings and offer comfort to each other. Sometimes it is a great help to have a friend who has some “distance” from this pain who can listen and is not living in this valley with you. I hope you also have a friend like I do, Jesus Christ. He will allow me to talk as much as I need and doesn’t mind if I revisit things that we have discussed before. He is okay if I cry and His words are perfect in comfort and healing.

I will send a free copy of my book, Grief: Finding the Candle of Light, to the first three people who leave comments on this blogpost. I hope you begin 2012 carry less weight in your “grief bag”.

I’m sharing from “seven years later”.*

If you are reading this and you feel almost too sad to read, keep going. This isn’t a long post and I do not speak complicated. I believe in getting to the point. I have 3.

Give yourself ONE do-able task per day. The emphasis here is on give and do-able. It is a gift you are giving yourself that will take a step in your healing. It may be getting up.  It may be taking a shower and putting on clothes. (Note: If you go to the grocery store, take a list!)

Your emotions may be all over the spectrum. Tears, laughter, numb, confused, and angry were emotions that took me on a daily roller coaster ride for a while. It seemed like a long time. It can make for a difficult time in a family as everyone is dealing with their different emotions.
If you’ve never journaled before, give it a try. It does help to sift emotions.
That good friends who wants to help? Tell them you need someone to just listen.
Don’t dismiss the idea of counseling. If your work place offers Employee Assistance Program (EAP), use it.

God is BIG enough. I had times when I was so angry with God for allowing my son to die. I asked “why?” many, many times. The Creator of the universe, the One who has always been and always will be is big enough to handle my anger. I am still alive and closer in my relationship to God than I ever have been. God and I still wrestle about the “why” but I am content about His answer for me – today.

Don’t give up.
Pat yourself on the back for every small step forward.
Allow yourself to have a day when you step back or just stand still.
It’s OK, and even good, to be alone but do not make it your “norm” no matter how hard it is to stay connected.
Hang with people who make you feel better when they leave – not wore out!

Let me know how you are doing.

*My 17-year-old son, James, died in 2004 after a five-year battle with cancer. He died less than a week after Hurricane Ivan tore through our town.

Gym time, daily jog, walks in the park, evening cup of tea with a good book, fresh fruits and vegetables, a long weekend in a quiet cabin…we wisely invest in many ways to promote physical and spiritual health. I have a suggestion for three brief, practical books if you are going through a time of loss. All three are available at Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble for about $30 (including FREE shipping on both sites!).

 

Good Grief by Granger Westburg (ISBN#978-0800697839) This is a classic! It has been read for decades by all walks of people because it is so practical and to the point. It is a compass in a confusing time, pointing the reader to hope and a new future. 96 pages.

 

 

 

 

 

Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert and Chuck DeKlyen, Taylor Billis illustrator (ISBN#978-0961519766) An excellent book for families that at first glance might seem to be for children. Adults will identify with the main character, however, learning how to take their salty, bitter grief experience to a savory journey that can nourish you to a new place. 56 pages.

 

 

 

 

Grief: Finding the Candle of Light by Jody Neufeld (ISBN#978-1893729506) You might think that I am promoting myself (and I am!) but if you are a Christian and are struggling with questions as you are traveling through grief, this is the book for you. While simple and to the point, hard questions like “Why?” and “How do I go on?” are not avoided. 72 pages.

 

 

 

 

Invest in yourself because grief is a “pay me now – pay me later” situation. You can either pay attention now and take time to work through your grief, or pay the cost later in physical and emotional health issues because you attempted to keep the door locked on your emotions.

by Max Lucado   (ISBN #978-0-8499-4658-5), 2009

Fearless, Max Lucado’s newest offering, is another example of Max’s God-given talent of painting extraordinary ‘pictures’ in the reader’s mind. It is no surprise that this author has won 12 Gold Medallion Book Awards. He rarely disappoints to bring me a manuscript that draws me into the cadence of his words and challenges me to pull my Bible next to his book and study God’s Word for myself.

In this book, I am encouraged to identify my fears and compare them to the Jesus that I know. It is the revelation of seeing Mighty God next to the true size of any fear that will lift me up and out of my boat of complacency. It is fear that the enemy of God’s Kingdom uses to paralyze and beat down the soldiers of God.

Besides the challenges in each chapter of this book, Max provides a study guide that lends itself well to small group discussion and growth. If you are looking for a book that will help you through the holidays, I think this is it. Give it a read and find out why.

Posted 9/22/10 on www.jodyneufeld.com

Six years ago today my son, James, died. Cancer was the foe.

I have been blessed today to hear from many, many friends. His, mine, ours. This is an instance where I appreciate the social media. It has carried many encouraging, healing messages to us all.

“He inspired…”, “He was an inspiration”, “He was brave”, “He made me smile”, “He had a beautiful smile” and “He was a giant in the faith”.

James would have laughed, maybe even rolled his eyes, not taking the words seriously. He didn’t see himself that way. Those of us who knew him, day in-day out, didn’t see him that way either. He was just James with the silver car, the ever-present cell phone, who loved drumline and worshiping God on his drums.

And that is the way he should see himself. Nothing special. Not perfect. EXCEPT –

• He wore the helmet of salvation that reminded him where he was going while he was dying.
• The breastplate of righteousness, the righteousness of Jesus, is what made others inspired
• The belt of truth told him what he needed to know, when he needed to know it. He was prepared.
• He walked in peace for five years with a word that can strike fear in the hearts of all who hear it.
• With the many who were at his right and his left, he kept the shield of faith close; trusting God for what he could not understand.
• He wielded the sword of faith as his Mentor taught. “My God can heal me but if He should choose not to do so – I will still worship Him” (Daniel 3:17-18)

James in and of himself was nothing special. But from the moment God conceived him, he was a gift. And it was Jesus in him that made him the James we remember and draw inspiration.

“He inspires me to run my race. Everyone’s race is different and everyone is held accountable for running their race. Run your race as to win the prize! I know James is enjoying his prize!” – Janet Webb Lister, September 22, 2010

from Jody Neufeld

Most employee handbooks distributed when you begin a new job are rarely read in the first 90 days. They are usually dropped into a drawer and pulled out when a specific question arises. Questions like: My mother-in-law just died. Do I get any paid leave?

Since working for a hospice over 12 years I have been astounded that the ‘norm’ for paid bereavement leave is three days! Most companies will approve a week when the death is a “close relative” like parents, children, brother, sister, and immediate in-laws. You probably won’t get paid for it but they won’t fire you either.

In what universe is a human being able to handle all the paperwork and personal tasks that are required after the death of near relative much less compartmentalize their emotions and slam the door on that compartment so they can function in the workplace? It is no surprise that companies may find the employees reporting ‘minor’ illnesses like migraines, flu, ulcers, and difficulties in achieving their ‘normal’ production level. Well, duh!

It has been almost six years now since my son, James, died of cancer in September 2004. This summer two of his friends celebrated milestones in their lives. The first got married. The second graduated from college. I rejoiced for both of them and yet, sobbed off and on those days. James would not be going to college. James would not be getting married. And I so I grieved for what would not be.

Grief is a sneaky emotion. Sometimes you can see it coming but most of the time you don’t. I have learned some things that help me pick myself up and move on:

1. Don’t expect to be super-human. Being human is hard enough. I did not go to the ceremonies of these two men. There were valid reasons for not going but I also did not force myself to go. I sent cards and prayed sincere prayers for them.
2. Do something that helps you to release the grief. Listening to music that James enjoyed or flipping through pictures and remembering his life brings the emotions gently to the surface for me and are caught in a few tissues.
3. Get up the next day and put one foot in front of the other. Moving on is not about racing on or leaping on but making progress forward. It may be a small step forward but it is making the choice not to set up camp and live in a spot. It has been a few months and few weeks since the respective events. And I am better than I was before the events.

“Grief drives us into habits of serious reflection, sharpens the understanding, and softens the heart.”        – John Adams (1735-1826)