As I write this it is Christmas Eve. I am blessed this year to be with my daughter and her family. I have spoke to my oldest son and I know he and his wife will call me tomorrow. And yet I still feel the “hole” in my life that was once filled with my young son. He is celebrating Christmas in heaven. I bet that is something to behold!

For those who are surfing the web today looking desperately for something to help you step up out of this pit that seems to be sucking you down — I have no magic pill or deep prose that will shine its light. I can only tell you that there are days ahead that will be better. I know this from my own experience. I know this from the experience of the many who walked before me and reassured me that I would find better days.

Dig in today with those TV specials, friends who have invited you to lunch or dinner, the music, or maybe just go down to your local shelter and dish up potatoes for someone who is homeless. Choose to move your focus to someone or something else for just some time today. It would truly be “OK” to “think about it tomorrow” (move over, Scarlett O’Hara!).

I will be praying for you today. (“But you don’t know my name!”) No, I don’t but God, to whom I pray to, He does.  I know that someone was praying for me on those Christmas Days when I could not pray for myself. So I am going to “play that forward” and pray for you today.

Gym time, daily jog, walks in the park, evening cup of tea with a good book, fresh fruits and vegetables, a long weekend in a quiet cabin…we wisely invest in many ways to promote physical and spiritual health. I have a suggestion for three brief, practical books if you are going through a time of loss. All three are available at Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble for about $30 (including FREE shipping on both sites!).

 

Good Grief by Granger Westburg (ISBN#978-0800697839) This is a classic! It has been read for decades by all walks of people because it is so practical and to the point. It is a compass in a confusing time, pointing the reader to hope and a new future. 96 pages.

 

 

 

 

 

Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert and Chuck DeKlyen, Taylor Billis illustrator (ISBN#978-0961519766) An excellent book for families that at first glance might seem to be for children. Adults will identify with the main character, however, learning how to take their salty, bitter grief experience to a savory journey that can nourish you to a new place. 56 pages.

 

 

 

 

Grief: Finding the Candle of Light by Jody Neufeld (ISBN#978-1893729506) You might think that I am promoting myself (and I am!) but if you are a Christian and are struggling with questions as you are traveling through grief, this is the book for you. While simple and to the point, hard questions like “Why?” and “How do I go on?” are not avoided. 72 pages.

 

 

 

 

Invest in yourself because grief is a “pay me now – pay me later” situation. You can either pay attention now and take time to work through your grief, or pay the cost later in physical and emotional health issues because you attempted to keep the door locked on your emotions.

The reason I read Max Lucado’s work is not for its deep theological content, although I do believe he writes Biblically sound, but Rev. Lucado has a gift to use words to paint wonderful life pictures.  His humor peaks through these illustrations of day-to-day life.  It touches me.  It challenges me.  It brings me back to Jesus who loves me beyond my understanding.

I encourage you to take the time to read an article that I received through my email this week from Max Lucado’s ministry.  I do not recommend articles lightly, especially those who attempt to explain to me about God and death.  Too often they are filled with platitudes that do not hold up when I turn to the Bible or how God has acted in my own life.  This article holds up for me.  I hope it will hold you up also.

When Death Becomes Birth by Max Lucado (from Come Thirsty, Thomas Nelson, 2004)

by Max Lucado   (ISBN #978-0-8499-4658-5), 2009

Fearless, Max Lucado’s newest offering, is another example of Max’s God-given talent of painting extraordinary ‘pictures’ in the reader’s mind. It is no surprise that this author has won 12 Gold Medallion Book Awards. He rarely disappoints to bring me a manuscript that draws me into the cadence of his words and challenges me to pull my Bible next to his book and study God’s Word for myself.

In this book, I am encouraged to identify my fears and compare them to the Jesus that I know. It is the revelation of seeing Mighty God next to the true size of any fear that will lift me up and out of my boat of complacency. It is fear that the enemy of God’s Kingdom uses to paralyze and beat down the soldiers of God.

Besides the challenges in each chapter of this book, Max provides a study guide that lends itself well to small group discussion and growth. If you are looking for a book that will help you through the holidays, I think this is it. Give it a read and find out why.

If this is your first thanksgiving since you started your journey of grief or the 10^th Thanksgiving, it may be a time that you walk toward with dread. I recently met a women who was born near July 4^th. It was always a family time of picnics and fun. Her son was killed in a car accident on July 4^th. It is now a time to ‘get through’ not ‘celebrate’. There are many ‘walking wounded’ out there, mourning the death of someone they love, now divorced, or suddenly have lost their job even now at the holidays.

• Thanksgiving is about recognizing that I have much to be grateful. So I suggest that you take some ‘you time’ now and make a list. “I am grateful for…”. Yes, I know that it is hard to begin this list. But if you begin now and think about it, your mind can go to that place where you can remember!
• If you and your household are the ones who usually host the big family feast, I am here to remind you that despite what that voice in your head or any family member may tell you, it is not written in stone that you must host the party. There are alternatives and I hope you will allow the alternatives to happen. It may be a way to begin new traditions that need to happen!
• You may not feel like going to a big Thanksgiving bash. The idea of joining a crowd at a meal and making conversation for 3-4 hours may be more than you have the energy to attempt. Again, there are alternatives. I hope you have a family that supports you in being a part of the day however you will. You could go just for the meal, that 45 minutes or so. You could let whoever is hosting know that you would be blessed and appreciate a ‘take out’. This could be picked up or brought to you by someone who has asked, “What can I do?”.
• Celebrate the day in some way. It may be working on that “Thanksgiving List” I mentioned in the first bullet. It may be writing or just taking time to speak what is in your heart. It may be giving to others. Donate to a community kitchen. Serve in a community kitchen. It is an opportunity to say, “I love you, _____. And I want to show love to and serve people in your name.” I think it would be OK to pin a picture of your loved one on your shirt. It would be a conversation starter and a point of connection with others who are also struggling through the holiday, even though it may be in a different way.

Thanksgiving is about giving. So give yourself time to receive whatever you need to continue to heal. And then give to others. You may be surprised to learn that it also produces healing.

I was talking to a young woman the other day. She is going through a very difficult time and feels her marriage is over. She spoke about the arguments, the tension, and how her young children are showing signs that they sense the instability of the home. “I know divorce is hard but I think it would be easier than what we are all going through.” My heart sank at her words and, with a silent plea that God would direct my words, I said, “No. Divorce is not easier. It is taking on another setting that will be difficult and painful.”

It is hard to believe sometimes that it has been 15 years since my own divorce. My first husband died very suddenly five years after the divorce from heart disease. He was not yet 50 years-old at the time of his death. I am grateful that we spoke forgiveness to each other before he died. I know many people who have not been given that chance.

Divorce is very much like death. It is the death of a relationship that you believed would last your lifetime. It brings a crushing grief that has no concluding closure, especially if you have children. Let’s look at some of the characteristics of grief as they apply to divorce:

• Regrets “Table for one at the Regret Party!” “I wish I would have said…”, “I wish I would have done …”, “Why did I …?” It can feel like an never-ending tape that runs and runs through my head. The insidious point is that most regrets have some connection to the truth. There are things to regret. What I learned is that a ‘regret’ is only helpful when it produces a ‘lesson learned’. Learn from my mistake and move on. (By the way, I have no control over resolving a regret that my spouse said or did something.)
• Anger and Blame This more than any other aspect of the divorce process takes so much energy. And yet it is an emotion and a task that seems almost essential to the process. In order to make sense, I must find a place (a person) on which to put the blame. I must direct my anger to that person. Otherwise, I might have to deal with anger at myself or even God. Here again, the truth is my spouse to whom I direct my anger and place blame has some ownership for our situation. But does the anger and blame help me? Do I feel ‘better’ angry? Does my anger and blame help my children?
• Sadness It is uncomfortable to say ‘depression’ instead of ‘sadness’. However, I personally do not know anyone who has gone through divorce (or death of a loved one) who did not experience depression for some period of time. Sadness is sorrow about an event. Depression is when the sadness causes inactivity and difficulty in concentration. This is especially hard when there are demands from a job (few employers give you ‘bereavement time’ for divorce) and children who need parental stability and strength.
• Forgiveness I have spoke about forgiveness many times in the daily devotions that I send out. Forgiveness is not letting my spouse ‘off the hook’. It is letting go of the aforementioned anger and blame that takes so much of my energy and moving on to more constructive pursuits – like getting on with the life that I now have. It is putting that energy into helping my children in the new life that they now have.

Whether it is an organized divorce support group, your church, or 1-2 friends who are committed to walking with you through this very difficult season, help is essential to not only surviving but actually living. It is in putting on the ‘strong face’ or ‘faith face’ that shuts you up in a lonely box with only your own thoughts and wisdom to get you through. Just as a lawyer or a doctor who defends or treats himself has a fool for a client/patient, so is the divorced person who thinks they have all they need within themselves to get them through the crisis and move on in their life with joyous victory.

And that is the ultimate goal. When you are in the place where I currently live, you want to have come through that terrible valley called ‘Divorce’ and find yourself in a better place with your mind, spirit, and family intact. If you can come together for your child’s graduation or wedding and genuinely smile at your former spouse, then you are in a good place. If when you consider remarrying, you bring little baggage into the marriage, you have embraced forgiveness and learned valuable personal lessons. You have grown.

“When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt