From Pat Loder, Executive Director, The Compassionate Friends:

“It has come to our attention, through numerous complaints received in our office, that an unauthorized use of our confidential mailing list was used last weekend to solicit our chapters to attend a commercial event scheduled for the same weekend in July and in close proximity to our national conference. The communication was from a medium.”

It is my personal belief that there will be an especially hot place in hell for people who take advantage of those who are at their most vulnerable, whether physically or emotionally. Most of us who have walked the path of grief have wished that we had “one more” opportunity to speak to our loved ones. We may have spoken of our love and expressed our thanksgiving that they were a part of our lives, but in our grief of separation we may wish we just had “one more” moment in time with them.

[Let me say at this point that none of us know for sure what someone who has died can and cannot do. We may have our own belief system that gives us possibilities but there is no empirical data  that defines the status of our deceased loved one.]

So write them a letter. Light a candle. Just sit down and speak what you want to say. The one who has died is no longer constrained by the dimensions of this world. They no longer are limited as I am. I need no “medium” to intervene and connect me (for the sale price of $50-$100!).  I can talk any time, any where.

When we are most vulnerable, let us also be wise. Before allowing someone to lead us off the path of healing and wholeness, let us trust a known friend who has been with us. If what you are about to do involves money and is something you think you have to hide from family and friends, then it isn’t good and it isn’t where you want to go. Grief, like any other process of healing, does not involve a “quick fix” but instead – it takes – as long as it takes.

As I write this it is Christmas Eve. I am blessed this year to be with my daughter and her family. I have spoke to my oldest son and I know he and his wife will call me tomorrow. And yet I still feel the “hole” in my life that was once filled with my young son. He is celebrating Christmas in heaven. I bet that is something to behold!

For those who are surfing the web today looking desperately for something to help you step up out of this pit that seems to be sucking you down — I have no magic pill or deep prose that will shine its light. I can only tell you that there are days ahead that will be better. I know this from my own experience. I know this from the experience of the many who walked before me and reassured me that I would find better days.

Dig in today with those TV specials, friends who have invited you to lunch or dinner, the music, or maybe just go down to your local shelter and dish up potatoes for someone who is homeless. Choose to move your focus to someone or something else for just some time today. It would truly be “OK” to “think about it tomorrow” (move over, Scarlett O’Hara!).

I will be praying for you today. (“But you don’t know my name!”) No, I don’t but God, to whom I pray to, He does.  I know that someone was praying for me on those Christmas Days when I could not pray for myself. So I am going to “play that forward” and pray for you today.

The stores are announcing their sales and the countdown begins. If this is the first holiday season that you must navigate since your loved one has died it can be overwhelming. How do you get through the holidays?

Try to identify what will HELP you through this holiday. Thanksgiving and Christmas are usually filled with traditions. Traditional activities give us a sense of family and comfort – usually. What are the “traditions” that you have “always” done? As the list forms, do you begin to feel tired and overwhelmed? That is a key sign that you do not need to do all those activities – this year. If you are the one who usually has the family over for Christmas Eve dinner, allow someone else to do it this year. You may need to have the option to go to the dinner but leave early if you need to do so. If you usually drive 8-10 hours or fly to “Mom’s house”, maybe this year is a good opportunity to start a new tradition in your own home. I suspect “Mom” or whoever will understand. (And if they don’t, they aren’t the priority this year.)
My son died in September. The holidays that year were very difficult. I wanted to just stay home and cancel any celebrations! It was a very quiet holiday and that was helpful to me. I did make myself go to Christmas Eve service and I am glad that I did. I took extra tissues and sat toward the back of the church. I don’t apologize or feel embarrassed by the tears that I shed that night. As I listened to the message, I began to identify that Jesus’ mother, Mary, probably shed more than a few tears herself.

Communicate to your family what will help and what will not. I think this is hard. I want people who love me to be able to read my mind. The truth is – they are all busy with their own lives and their own troubles and they don’t read minds! I am a better writer than spokesperson so I wrote emails and cards to those who needed to know why I wasn’t coming to events. I told them I was going to take care of myself this holiday and do things that helped me. I hoped to re-engage in some events again the next year. I received several notes back of understanding and also a couple of “thank you’s” that I made good sense that they were going to follow for themselves.

Take time to allow the pain to surface. I think this may be the primary reason most of us do not slow down during the holidays when we are grieving the loss of someone we love or a job loss or whatever loss. If we keep ourselves busy, we do not have to feel. The wound has a thin layer of healing over it and the pain is still very fresh and sharp. The thought of allowing another wave of pain to surface and roll over that wound seems – crazy! But hear me well from both my personal journey and my observation of 30+ years as a healthcare professional, if I do not allow the pain of grief to surface, it will eat me alive like a caustic acid in my physical body and in my spirit.

I hope you have someone that you can share this time of grief. Certainly if you are married, you share your feelings and offer comfort to each other. Sometimes it is a great help to have a friend who has some “distance” from this pain who can listen and is not living in this valley with you. I hope you also have a friend like I do, Jesus Christ. He will allow me to talk as much as I need and doesn’t mind if I revisit things that we have discussed before. He is okay if I cry and His words are perfect in comfort and healing.

I will send a free copy of my book, Grief: Finding the Candle of Light, to the first three people who leave comments on this blogpost. I hope you begin 2012 carry less weight in your “grief bag”.

I’m sharing from “seven years later”.*

If you are reading this and you feel almost too sad to read, keep going. This isn’t a long post and I do not speak complicated. I believe in getting to the point. I have 3.

Give yourself ONE do-able task per day. The emphasis here is on give and do-able. It is a gift you are giving yourself that will take a step in your healing. It may be getting up.  It may be taking a shower and putting on clothes. (Note: If you go to the grocery store, take a list!)

Your emotions may be all over the spectrum. Tears, laughter, numb, confused, and angry were emotions that took me on a daily roller coaster ride for a while. It seemed like a long time. It can make for a difficult time in a family as everyone is dealing with their different emotions.
If you’ve never journaled before, give it a try. It does help to sift emotions.
That good friends who wants to help? Tell them you need someone to just listen.
Don’t dismiss the idea of counseling. If your work place offers Employee Assistance Program (EAP), use it.

God is BIG enough. I had times when I was so angry with God for allowing my son to die. I asked “why?” many, many times. The Creator of the universe, the One who has always been and always will be is big enough to handle my anger. I am still alive and closer in my relationship to God than I ever have been. God and I still wrestle about the “why” but I am content about His answer for me – today.

Don’t give up.
Pat yourself on the back for every small step forward.
Allow yourself to have a day when you step back or just stand still.
It’s OK, and even good, to be alone but do not make it your “norm” no matter how hard it is to stay connected.
Hang with people who make you feel better when they leave – not wore out!

Let me know how you are doing.

*My 17-year-old son, James, died in 2004 after a five-year battle with cancer. He died less than a week after Hurricane Ivan tore through our town.

Last year, a friend asked me to become involved in the start-up of a new local chapter of The Compassionate Friends. This is a “grass roots” support group for parents and grandparents who have suffered the loss of a child. The national organization reports there are 625 chapters located in all 50 states.

My initial gut reaction to my friend’s query was “No”. I knew it would involve time and commitment. I was also seven years along in my grief journey and I knew from experience that in supporting others I would be revisiting some places I had already passed. Did I have the time and emotional energy to do this? I would not say “Yes” unless I could go into it with the commitment to do my best.

Six months later I can say to anyone who is reading this who has been affected by the death of a child, this is a positive, productive way to move along as you grieve. The death of a child is a type of grief that is not easily understood by friends. It is a very uncomfortable grief because to even think it might happen to you is a nightmare. I found many of my friends that while they were caring, they really did not want to talk about what I was going through. And I needed to talk.

If you are the parent or grandparent of a child who has died, whether from disease, an accident, or suicide, this could be a place where you find some healing. The meetings generally have two parts. There is sharing but during my first meeting when I didn’t really want to talk, no one made me feel like I “should”. I appreciated that. Yes, more women than men come to meetings but, again, there is a good open feeling for people to learn through dialogue or just take in and process what is relevant for you. There will be parents of children who died pre-birth to grown. The meeting I just attended had a new attendee who was probably in her late sixties and was attending because she had lost four brothers in about as many years. We had a guest speaker that night speaking about “Sibling Grief”.

At the beginning of each meeting, a mission statement is recited and its a great reminder that what is said in the meeting – stays in the meeting. There may be tears, laughter, shaking of heads indicating understanding and even some of the ridiculous statements we have all been told by those who try but can’t understand what they haven’t experienced. We often remind each other – “You Need Not Walk Alone”.

(2007 film, based on the novel of the same name by Cecilia Ahem)

I believe this is the best “grief movie” I have ever seen. Hilary Swank’s character, Holly, goes through and back again, all the stages or emotions of grief. She is throwing-things angry; pulling-the-sheets-and-closing-myself-off depressed, and I-don’t-EVEN-understand confusion until she gets to the place where she can move on with her life.

To me the movie avoids the platitudes that plague most movies involving the death of a loved one. It does a realistic job of portraying the hard work that grief is and encourages the viewer that it is possible to come through the storm of grief. It also shows that in coming through you will not return to “normal” but will, instead, find a “new normal” in which to live your life.

My only criticism of the movie is that Gerry (actor, Gerald Butler) planned a rather elaborate “gift” designed to help Holly move through her grief. Most terminally-ill people do not have the opportunity and strength to plan such a complicated gift. In my experience with hospice and in my own grief walk, it is in brief, passing conversations that will come back along the journey, that the “gifts” will be found that bring you along into your new normal life.

The reason I read Max Lucado’s work is not for its deep theological content, although I do believe he writes Biblically sound, but Rev. Lucado has a gift to use words to paint wonderful life pictures.  His humor peaks through these illustrations of day-to-day life.  It touches me.  It challenges me.  It brings me back to Jesus who loves me beyond my understanding.

I encourage you to take the time to read an article that I received through my email this week from Max Lucado’s ministry.  I do not recommend articles lightly, especially those who attempt to explain to me about God and death.  Too often they are filled with platitudes that do not hold up when I turn to the Bible or how God has acted in my own life.  This article holds up for me.  I hope it will hold you up also.

When Death Becomes Birth by Max Lucado (from Come Thirsty, Thomas Nelson, 2004)

The first Christmas that we travel through after someone we love has died is never easy. Christmas is about those we love, the laughter we shared and meals together. No matter how many people are around the table, there will still be an empty chair.

Too often, in my experience, I have had people tell me that “No, we didn’t talk about ______. We just couldn’t. It was too painful.” “I didn’t want to make everyone sad.” It is ignoring the elephant in the middle of the room, isn’t it? I would suggest that by not mentioning the person there was more pain involved as suffering alone is worse than pain shared.

Speaking a word of remembrance during the prayer before the meal or as a toast (yes, you can toast with iced tea!), is a way to acknowledge your love without creating a sad moment that is difficult to move through.

Giving a gift to someone in need is also a way to remember and acknowledge your love for someone who is absent and at the same time bless a another person. My son LOVED Christmas cookies so I try to make enough cookies now to give away, even if it’s just to one other person.

Taking time for yourself to remember your loved one is SO important. Flipping through pictures, listening to music, just being quiet is allowing time to acknowledge and find the place where you can rejoice for the life of that person you love. That is the place to move towards.

Christmas is remembering a baby who came to earth – fully God and fully human. He began in a Bethlehem barn and lived a life that had pain and hardships so that He could show me how to live. His death promises me a life that is forever and without pain, suffering, and tears.

The following passage from the Bible has been a great comfort to me. But if you are uncertain about whether your loved one was a Believer in Jesus, remember that as much as you might want to see the one you love in heaven, God loves them more. They are His children. He desires that all would come to know Him (1 Timothy 2:4). God is not limited by our time, communication skills, or

And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.

We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God. First, the Christians who have died will rise from their graves. Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever. So encourage each other with these words. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 (NLT, my emphasis)

God doesn’t tell us not to grieve. Jesus wept (John 11:35). God tells us to remember that the time we are apart is such a short time compared to the eternity we will be together.

The baby in the manger is the Savior, the King of Kings and the LORD of Lords.

by Max Lucado   (ISBN #978-0-8499-4658-5), 2009

Fearless, Max Lucado’s newest offering, is another example of Max’s God-given talent of painting extraordinary ‘pictures’ in the reader’s mind. It is no surprise that this author has won 12 Gold Medallion Book Awards. He rarely disappoints to bring me a manuscript that draws me into the cadence of his words and challenges me to pull my Bible next to his book and study God’s Word for myself.

In this book, I am encouraged to identify my fears and compare them to the Jesus that I know. It is the revelation of seeing Mighty God next to the true size of any fear that will lift me up and out of my boat of complacency. It is fear that the enemy of God’s Kingdom uses to paralyze and beat down the soldiers of God.

Besides the challenges in each chapter of this book, Max provides a study guide that lends itself well to small group discussion and growth. If you are looking for a book that will help you through the holidays, I think this is it. Give it a read and find out why.

If this is your first thanksgiving since you started your journey of grief or the 10^th Thanksgiving, it may be a time that you walk toward with dread. I recently met a women who was born near July 4^th. It was always a family time of picnics and fun. Her son was killed in a car accident on July 4^th. It is now a time to ‘get through’ not ‘celebrate’. There are many ‘walking wounded’ out there, mourning the death of someone they love, now divorced, or suddenly have lost their job even now at the holidays.

• Thanksgiving is about recognizing that I have much to be grateful. So I suggest that you take some ‘you time’ now and make a list. “I am grateful for…”. Yes, I know that it is hard to begin this list. But if you begin now and think about it, your mind can go to that place where you can remember!
• If you and your household are the ones who usually host the big family feast, I am here to remind you that despite what that voice in your head or any family member may tell you, it is not written in stone that you must host the party. There are alternatives and I hope you will allow the alternatives to happen. It may be a way to begin new traditions that need to happen!
• You may not feel like going to a big Thanksgiving bash. The idea of joining a crowd at a meal and making conversation for 3-4 hours may be more than you have the energy to attempt. Again, there are alternatives. I hope you have a family that supports you in being a part of the day however you will. You could go just for the meal, that 45 minutes or so. You could let whoever is hosting know that you would be blessed and appreciate a ‘take out’. This could be picked up or brought to you by someone who has asked, “What can I do?”.
• Celebrate the day in some way. It may be working on that “Thanksgiving List” I mentioned in the first bullet. It may be writing or just taking time to speak what is in your heart. It may be giving to others. Donate to a community kitchen. Serve in a community kitchen. It is an opportunity to say, “I love you, _____. And I want to show love to and serve people in your name.” I think it would be OK to pin a picture of your loved one on your shirt. It would be a conversation starter and a point of connection with others who are also struggling through the holiday, even though it may be in a different way.

Thanksgiving is about giving. So give yourself time to receive whatever you need to continue to heal. And then give to others. You may be surprised to learn that it also produces healing.