My Story – Lessons Learned

 

When I was 15 and living in the Heartland of America, I thought my life was pretty normal. And for a teenager that translated into “boring”. I thought I would live out my life in the Midwest much like my parents. That did not happen.

 

My sophomore year in high school, four friends were in a head-on collision as they were coming home from a concert. Three of them were killed. In one week, I went to three funerals. It was my first experience with death and I carried all those feelings, confusing feelings, around for another 20 years.

Lesson #1: Not just OLD people die.

 

I became a nurse in the late 70′s and while they did have a two-hour class on death, there was no discussion of grief either in general nursing or in my psychology course. How do you not address grief in a nursing course? It is still a neglected area of teaching in nursing and medical schools which is probably why most healthcare professionals are not comfortable helping people through grief.

Lesson #2: If you want help with your grief, do not ask your doctor or nurse.

 

After spending some years as a nurse in the high-tech critical areas, I left the hospital setting to try hospice. I began as a patient care nurse and learned so much from my patients and their families. I saw people who had no nursing experience take care of their loved ones 24/7 with compassion and good humor. I found out that a “care team” was more about heart than education. I learned what was important in life relationships and how truly finite our time is to communicate with those we love. I became a supervisor for over 150 nurses, social workers, chaplains and home health aides. Then I developed an education department for staff and volunteers. I loved teaching. It was interactive and challenging. The twelve years I spent in hospice was the best time in my 30+ years in nursing even though I went to hundreds of funerals.

Lesson #3: Death isn’t the end. It’s just a doorway into “What’s next?”.

 

The care and death of my parents was the most difficult time in my adult life. And many do not believe that when they learn that I have also been through divorce and the death of my teenage son. But as parents come to the last months of their lives, the change in the relationship between parents and children is confusing and frustrating for all parties. Most parents come to the point where they cannot make decisions financially or physically care for themselves. If they have planned ahead, they may have made their wishes known regarding their care and have long-term insurance and/or savings to make the basic decisions easier. But allowing their child to make the day-to-day decisions creates angry frustration for the parent and profound sadness for the child.

Lesson #4: “The sickest person in the room cannot be making all the decisions.” – Julie Patton, social worker

 

The death of my 17-year-old son, James, from cancer in 2004 forever changed my life. I have had to find a “new normal”. One of Life’s Rules is that parents are not to die before their children. As I am writing this, it has been seven years and I am still on a journey of grief. I miss him every day even though I do not think of him every day. My life has a “hole” in it. The edges are healing but the hole will never leave. The biggest help has been allowing myself to grieve. When the sadness comes, I allow it to came to the surface. Tears can be mopped with a handkerchief and make-up can be repaired. The other major help has been reaching out my hand to help others. For a time we had an annual golf tournament that benefited the local children’s hospital. Now I write and reach out through blogs and books, even personal notes to people who are beginning their own grief journey.

Lesson #5: Helping others, helps me to heal, too.

 

I live in Florida with my husband. We are the owners of Energion Publications. We have three children and nine grandchildren.

 

If you have questions, I hope you will make a comment or send me an email through jody@energion.com .