The American Psychiatric Association in 2012 proposed that anyone exhibiting feelings of deep sadness, tiredness, loss of appetite, inability to concentrate, and crying more than two weeks after the death of a loved one could be diagnosed with depression. Are you kidding me and anyone else who has ever suffered a loss??? In two weeks I have only gotten through a funeral and the beginning of the files of necessary paperwork! (By the way, “hogwash” comes from the 1700′s England, the edible trash that was mixed with water and fed to the hogs. I think it is appropriately used as an exclamation of this proposal.)

I would like to direct your attention to a more intelligent and balanced look at grief that my husband, Henry Neufeld, wrote this week, “Can I Let Go of Sadness?” on one of his blog sites. My hope is that you will find it encouraging as you walk your own path of grief.

by William Powell Tuck [ISBN#978-1-938434-09-9]

As someone who listens and supports many people in grief, I am always looking for good books, especially written from a Christian perspective. There are many books out there filled with multiple Scripture references and familiar phrases that most of us know but can be of little help. Grief brings us face to face with what we truly believe. And so it might be good to consider that question sooner than later.

Author and pastor, William Powell Tuck asks the question “What is beyond death?” in his new book, The Journey to the Undiscovered Country. He asks it practically, as he does not avoid the reality of suffering in this world and that death is a part of this life. But he also does it with gentleness and through the pain of his experience as pastor, friend, father and grandfather.

I believe that in reading a book like Journey I can gain strength to move through grief when it comes. Bill Tuck guided me through his chapters with good internal discussion and took me to the Bible to read again God’s words. Chapters include: The Mystery of Death: Behind the Veil, The Last Judgment: How God Sizes Us Up, The Second Coming of Christ: Christ Came and Comes, Hell: Vindictive or Remedial?, Heaven: The Undiscovered Country.

This is a five-star book and it’s 30% off at the publisher’s website store until December 20.

[also posted on Jody's Devotionals, November 2, 2012]

The Lord All-Powerful will prepare a feast on this mountain for all people. 
It will be a feast with all the best food and wine, the finest meat and wine.
On this mountain God will destroy the veil that covers all nations,
the veil that stretches over all peoples; he will destroy death forever.
The Lord God will wipe away every tear from every face.
He will take away the shame of his people from the earth.
The Lord has spoken.

At that time people will say,
“Our God is doing this! We have waited for him, and he has come to save us.
This is the Lord. We waited for him, so we will rejoice and be happy when he saves us.” Isaiah 25:6-9 (NCV)

[Jesus said,] “The Father gives me the people who are mine. Every one of them will come to me, and I will always accept them. I came down from heaven to do what God wants me to do, not what I want to do. Here is what the One who sent me wants me to do: I must not lose even one whom God gave me, but I must raise them all on the last day. Those who see the Son and believe in him have eternal life, and I will raise them on the last day. This is what my Father wants.” John 6:37-40 (NCV)

Lectionary texts for All Saint’s Day: Isaiah 25:6-9, Psalm 27, Romans 6:3-9, John 6:37-40

This is a day in the Church year when those who have gone before us are remembered. During worship services often names are read of those who have died during the year. The grief in the room is tangible whether it has been two days or 11 months since the person died. We grieve for ourselves because the one we love isn’t there to talk to us, laugh with us, share the upcoming holidays one more time. The one who has died is certainly in a better place – but that doesn’t fill the hole that has been ripped in our lives.

These four Scriptures may be ones to mark in your Bible. Just write a little list on a page so that when you are feeling that “low” place and missing that person, these Scriptures are good ointment to gently smear over that sore spot. They aren’t sicky sweet platitudes but God’s promises and truths about His plan for us.

It will be a feast. I am a “foodie.” I love to cook for my family and friends whether it is a pot of homemade soup and some crusty bread or Thanksgiving dinner with all the favorites. God has all the best produce at His hand and He never burns the sauce! There will be laughter and more joy than any of us have experienced at any family reunion. I can’t wait!

There will be no tears and no shame. There are times that I think I can’t stop crying. I weep for the people devastated in disasters. I weep for children who are abused and killed. I weep for our soldiers and their families who give so much. I weep for friends who are battling cancer and must endure another needlestick and another trip to a doctor or hospital. I weep because I miss my children and grandchildren. But there is coming a time when I will smile and laugh and laugh and smile. That’s all.

And in all the ways that I have been disobedient to my LORD; I’ve missed opportunities to be His hands and feet or misrepresented Him to someone who so needed to see Him – that shame will be washed away like a rain shower bath in the purest of water. The way that I felt the night I was baptized, so clean and new, it will be like that, only better, all the time!

All that Jesus came to save and believe in Him will be there. All those who have gone before me to heaven and all those that I haven’t sat down at a meal with in so very long, they will be there. And there are no time constraints to our time together. It is forever. How long is that? Well, my simple, finite mind can’t really grasp that – but it means it will never end. And I believe we will do Kingdom work together, in harmony, forever and ever because God’s Kingdom will have no end!

So if you are thinking of some Saints today that you haven’t seen in awhile – take time to read these Scriptures, write them down so you don’t forget these good words, and listen to this song. It will all help you to keep on…

Keep Singing written and sung by MercyMe

My heart is heavy tonight as I watch the families and friends of so many attempt to find their footing in a life that has truly “gone off the rails”. But in the events that I mentioned in my title, and others that also are etched in our memories, we as a nation find ourselves rocked to the core of what gives us balance in our daily lives. People going about the “ordinariness” of their lives and in a moment a “senseless act” forever changes them. How do we find “the sense”?

It is the mind-numbing shock that causes our brains to freeze in the horror of the act. We look to the perpetrator and try to explain the “why”. Does identifying the cause and effect of their actions really bring back some balance and stability in my life? And as the shock slowly begins to recede and is replaced by the searing pain of loss become more bearable when some measure of “justice” is exacted against the identified criminal(s)?

I believe that it is within ourselves that we must find our peace. It is in wrestling with our tenants of faith and the re-establishing the anchor with which we attach our hope that begins to bring that spirit of peace back into our lives. It is not an easy journey. It is one of great struggle through miles of questions and sometimes overwhelming emotions before we return to that “home”, that place of new peace. Yes, it is new and will never be “like it was before” and that is the first milestone on this mountainous climb out of the Senseless Pit.

Reach out to those who love you and want so much to help. Tell them the truth — “Just listen to me.” Together we find Life again. Hope again.

From Pat Loder, Executive Director, The Compassionate Friends:

“It has come to our attention, through numerous complaints received in our office, that an unauthorized use of our confidential mailing list was used last weekend to solicit our chapters to attend a commercial event scheduled for the same weekend in July and in close proximity to our national conference. The communication was from a medium.”

It is my personal belief that there will be an especially hot place in hell for people who take advantage of those who are at their most vulnerable, whether physically or emotionally. Most of us who have walked the path of grief have wished that we had “one more” opportunity to speak to our loved ones. We may have spoken of our love and expressed our thanksgiving that they were a part of our lives, but in our grief of separation we may wish we just had “one more” moment in time with them.

[Let me say at this point that none of us know for sure what someone who has died can and cannot do. We may have our own belief system that gives us possibilities but there is no empirical data  that defines the status of our deceased loved one.]

So write them a letter. Light a candle. Just sit down and speak what you want to say. The one who has died is no longer constrained by the dimensions of this world. They no longer are limited as I am. I need no “medium” to intervene and connect me (for the sale price of $50-$100!).  I can talk any time, any where.

When we are most vulnerable, let us also be wise. Before allowing someone to lead us off the path of healing and wholeness, let us trust a known friend who has been with us. If what you are about to do involves money and is something you think you have to hide from family and friends, then it isn’t good and it isn’t where you want to go. Grief, like any other process of healing, does not involve a “quick fix” but instead – it takes – as long as it takes.

During those first few months after my son, James died, I had moments where emotionally I was not logical and nearly impossible to be around. The littlest and difficult to identify “things” could set me off. I needed a “do-over”. My daughter explained her own moment the other day on her blog, His Grace is Enuff  and I couldn’t have described it better myself.

Too often in life we do not “cut ourselves some slack” in the same way that we do others around us. Grief is the hardest work we may ever do. It takes a tremendous amount of physical and emotional energy every day to cope with “normal” and when added stress comes, we often “lose it”. That’s when we need friends and family who will allow us to have a “do-over” and begin again with that day or that moment.

Allow yourself a “do-over” today. Believe me when I say that the day will come when someone in your life will need that same gift of grace and you can suggest that they take a “do-over”. It’s just another way to say “I Love You”.

As I write this it is Christmas Eve. I am blessed this year to be with my daughter and her family. I have spoke to my oldest son and I know he and his wife will call me tomorrow. And yet I still feel the “hole” in my life that was once filled with my young son. He is celebrating Christmas in heaven. I bet that is something to behold!

For those who are surfing the web today looking desperately for something to help you step up out of this pit that seems to be sucking you down — I have no magic pill or deep prose that will shine its light. I can only tell you that there are days ahead that will be better. I know this from my own experience. I know this from the experience of the many who walked before me and reassured me that I would find better days.

Dig in today with those TV specials, friends who have invited you to lunch or dinner, the music, or maybe just go down to your local shelter and dish up potatoes for someone who is homeless. Choose to move your focus to someone or something else for just some time today. It would truly be “OK” to “think about it tomorrow” (move over, Scarlett O’Hara!).

I will be praying for you today. (“But you don’t know my name!”) No, I don’t but God, to whom I pray to, He does.  I know that someone was praying for me on those Christmas Days when I could not pray for myself. So I am going to “play that forward” and pray for you today.

The stores are announcing their sales and the countdown begins. If this is the first holiday season that you must navigate since your loved one has died it can be overwhelming. How do you get through the holidays?

Try to identify what will HELP you through this holiday. Thanksgiving and Christmas are usually filled with traditions. Traditional activities give us a sense of family and comfort – usually. What are the “traditions” that you have “always” done? As the list forms, do you begin to feel tired and overwhelmed? That is a key sign that you do not need to do all those activities – this year. If you are the one who usually has the family over for Christmas Eve dinner, allow someone else to do it this year. You may need to have the option to go to the dinner but leave early if you need to do so. If you usually drive 8-10 hours or fly to “Mom’s house”, maybe this year is a good opportunity to start a new tradition in your own home. I suspect “Mom” or whoever will understand. (And if they don’t, they aren’t the priority this year.)
My son died in September. The holidays that year were very difficult. I wanted to just stay home and cancel any celebrations! It was a very quiet holiday and that was helpful to me. I did make myself go to Christmas Eve service and I am glad that I did. I took extra tissues and sat toward the back of the church. I don’t apologize or feel embarrassed by the tears that I shed that night. As I listened to the message, I began to identify that Jesus’ mother, Mary, probably shed more than a few tears herself.

Communicate to your family what will help and what will not. I think this is hard. I want people who love me to be able to read my mind. The truth is – they are all busy with their own lives and their own troubles and they don’t read minds! I am a better writer than spokesperson so I wrote emails and cards to those who needed to know why I wasn’t coming to events. I told them I was going to take care of myself this holiday and do things that helped me. I hoped to re-engage in some events again the next year. I received several notes back of understanding and also a couple of “thank you’s” that I made good sense that they were going to follow for themselves.

Take time to allow the pain to surface. I think this may be the primary reason most of us do not slow down during the holidays when we are grieving the loss of someone we love or a job loss or whatever loss. If we keep ourselves busy, we do not have to feel. The wound has a thin layer of healing over it and the pain is still very fresh and sharp. The thought of allowing another wave of pain to surface and roll over that wound seems – crazy! But hear me well from both my personal journey and my observation of 30+ years as a healthcare professional, if I do not allow the pain of grief to surface, it will eat me alive like a caustic acid in my physical body and in my spirit.

I hope you have someone that you can share this time of grief. Certainly if you are married, you share your feelings and offer comfort to each other. Sometimes it is a great help to have a friend who has some “distance” from this pain who can listen and is not living in this valley with you. I hope you also have a friend like I do, Jesus Christ. He will allow me to talk as much as I need and doesn’t mind if I revisit things that we have discussed before. He is okay if I cry and His words are perfect in comfort and healing.

I will send a free copy of my book, Grief: Finding the Candle of Light, to the first three people who leave comments on this blogpost. I hope you begin 2012 carry less weight in your “grief bag”.

I’m sharing from “seven years later”.*

If you are reading this and you feel almost too sad to read, keep going. This isn’t a long post and I do not speak complicated. I believe in getting to the point. I have 3.

Give yourself ONE do-able task per day. The emphasis here is on give and do-able. It is a gift you are giving yourself that will take a step in your healing. It may be getting up.  It may be taking a shower and putting on clothes. (Note: If you go to the grocery store, take a list!)

Your emotions may be all over the spectrum. Tears, laughter, numb, confused, and angry were emotions that took me on a daily roller coaster ride for a while. It seemed like a long time. It can make for a difficult time in a family as everyone is dealing with their different emotions.
If you’ve never journaled before, give it a try. It does help to sift emotions.
That good friends who wants to help? Tell them you need someone to just listen.
Don’t dismiss the idea of counseling. If your work place offers Employee Assistance Program (EAP), use it.

God is BIG enough. I had times when I was so angry with God for allowing my son to die. I asked “why?” many, many times. The Creator of the universe, the One who has always been and always will be is big enough to handle my anger. I am still alive and closer in my relationship to God than I ever have been. God and I still wrestle about the “why” but I am content about His answer for me – today.

Don’t give up.
Pat yourself on the back for every small step forward.
Allow yourself to have a day when you step back or just stand still.
It’s OK, and even good, to be alone but do not make it your “norm” no matter how hard it is to stay connected.
Hang with people who make you feel better when they leave – not wore out!

Let me know how you are doing.

*My 17-year-old son, James, died in 2004 after a five-year battle with cancer. He died less than a week after Hurricane Ivan tore through our town.

Gym time, daily jog, walks in the park, evening cup of tea with a good book, fresh fruits and vegetables, a long weekend in a quiet cabin…we wisely invest in many ways to promote physical and spiritual health. I have a suggestion for three brief, practical books if you are going through a time of loss. All three are available at Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble for about $30 (including FREE shipping on both sites!).

Good Grief by Granger Westburg (ISBN#978-0800697839) This is a classic! It has been read for decades by all walks of people because it is so practical and to the point. It is a compass in a confusing time, pointing the reader to hope and a new future. 96 pages.

Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert and Chuck DeKlyen, Taylor Billis illustrator (ISBN#978-0961519766) An excellent book for families that at first glance might seem to be for children. Adults will identify with the main character, however, learning how to take their salty, bitter grief experience to a savory journey that can nourish you to a new place. 56 pages.

Grief: Finding the Candle of Light by Jody Neufeld (ISBN#978-1893729506) You might think that I am promoting myself (and I am!) but if you are a Christian and are struggling with questions as you are traveling through grief, this is the book for you. While simple and to the point, hard questions like “Why?” and “How do I go on?” are not avoided. 72 pages.

Invest in yourself because grief is a “pay me now – pay me later” situation. You can either pay attention now and take time to work through your grief, or pay the cost later in physical and emotional health issues because you attempted to keep the door locked on your emotions.